Hej på er. Kort sammanfattat så har jag ifrågasatt min sexualitet en hel del de senaste två tre månaderna. Jag funderar på om jag är bisexuell men alltihopa är bara så förvirrande. Jag fann det enklare att sammanfatta alltihopa på engelska så jag hoppas att det inte blir ett problem för någon. Jag förstår om jag inte får så många svar men tack på förhand 🙂

I’m a fourteen year old girl with no dating experience at all, have never kissed anyone, etc.
I guess I’ve always assumed that I’m straight. But lately I’ve been questioning myself A LOT.

I guess I’ve started to notice that I’ve always like looked at girls in a way I don’t really think straight girls do. Do straight girls gaze stick on girls for too long? I think I have like preferences about a certain kind of girls and preferences about certain things about them too. Do straight girls have that? But I’m not really sure if I just find them objectively attractive or if I’m actually attracted to them. I mean, the thought of kissing a girl or dating a girl or anything like that doesn’t bother me at all, actually it makes me want something like that. But I don’t really know if that means anything.

I’ve realized that I might had a crush on my friend a few years ago. It was nothing dramatic, I was little. But I think I had, even though I’m not sure if it actually was a crush or if I just adored her.

I’m sure I like boys and find them attractive. I’ve had plenty of like “celebrity crushes” on boys. How I define a crush is that I find them really attractive, charming, perfect and I get less or more obsessed with the person in question. But I’m not really sure I’ve ever had a proper crush on a boy who is in “my world”, on someone I’ve seen in real life. Like never. Of course that probably just means that I haven’t found the guy yet but I wanted to mention it.

Girls is the other way around. Sure I might have found celebrity girls attractive (objectively or I maybe actually was attracted to them I’m not sure) but I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a celebrity girl. In real life though, I actually think I’ve had more of a crush on a girl. Small one at least.

The thing that I’m struggling with is that I don’t know how to be sure if I actually like girls in that way or if my brain just makes me believe it. I really support the LGBTQ+ community and I’m really dedicated in questions and rights. I’m really interested in any kind of art, expressions, or anything in the community. I deeply care about lgbt rights and I get really hurt and pissed off when people are homophobic, transphobic, etc.
So I’m not sure if I’m just an ally or if I’m actually a part of the community. That my brain maybe makes me believe I am queer because I want to be a part of it. It’s so confusing. I know I find girls attractive and pretty, I just don’t know if it’s objectively or if I’m actually attracted to them. I don’t know if I would fall in love with a girl, or if I just would want to be her platonic bff. Do straight people even question stuff like this?

I kind of think that I might be into non-binary people too but I’m not pansexual. I really noticed the gender of the person and it has a big role for the attraction (sorry if I’ve got the wrong idea of it).

So I have considered being bisexual. I don’t think it’s an exact 50/50 split but I guess that’s okay. Or maybe I’m just a straight ally. But I have like, zero experience of anything like romance, kissing, etc. And I feel like I need to try stuff like that to be sure if I find girls objectively attractive or if I’m actually attracted to them. Just like I said before, the thought of being with a girl in any way doesn’t feel wrong to me at all. As long as it is someone I like and trust and someone who cares about me, I wouldn’t mind any gender I think.

I guess that it would make sense if I actually was bisexual, because when I think back to myself as a few years younger or just a few months I realize that I maybe haven’t watched girls the way straight girls do. But maybe not.

I’m just SO confused. The label bisexual feels quite comforting. But I really don’t want to label me as something if I’m actually straight. I know I don’t have to set a label right now or never if I don’t want to. But I find labels really helpful and something to find comfort in. I guess I’m queer, right now. That would be a good label, because I’m questioning. But it doesn’t feel like something I could stick with forever a long time. I want a label that feels right to me and makes me feel comfortable.

I hate being this confused and stressed. I feel bad about the thought of that I might be faking. What are your thoughts? Are there any other people out there who feel the same? Or any bisexuals who recognize my experience? I don’t know.

I have no one to talk to about it because my entire family is straight what I know. Like, not a single homosexual couple. And as far as I know all my friends are straight too. So no one will totally understand.

That was a lot, I hope that none of you found it disrespectful.